Let me just clarify that any spider to me looks disgusting! But this particular ‘Bloodthirsty, Murdering Creature’ (as they are affectionately called in my head) looks like it has a fly’s body -ewww – and spider legs! Great! Not so much!
I do not like spiders! I’m a girl, what can I say!
My fear of spiders falls into the Squealer variety! It doesn’t matter how big or small they are to a ‘normal’ person, to me, they are the size of a house, their snapping fangs can swallow me whole, and even if I tried, I could never get away, because they have 8000 eyes keeping watch over my every twitch! When I see a spider, I squeal. It’s true. If there was a competition to find the loudest, wimp-iest squealer, don’t even bother entering, I have already won!
I blame The Netherlands for my fear!
Yes! The entire country of The Netherlands! The country that speaks dutch, wears clogs, loves orange and of course …. Has spiders the SIZE OF AFRICA!!
I was on holiday there a couple years back with my srendy (see previous blogs for definition) and we decided to take a boat trip to a small secluded island-type place just outside Amsterdam. At least that’s where I think it was. Anyway, it’s irrelevant, the story is about ‘bloodthirsty, murdering creatures’ remember. Try to keep up! If you are looking for a tour guide, I suggest you contact Thomas Cook.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the island.
So we get off the boat, and the strange tour guide lady with the bizarre tulip umbrella begins to walk us around this little village. It really was quite pretty. Cars are not even allowed to drive there, that’s how cute!!
So we’re walking, and walking, and walking, and BizarreTulipUmbrellaLady takes a sharp left in between two houses. We all duly follow, like a flock of sheep being gathered for the return journey back to Farmer Browns Barnyard.
There is a very narrow path, a wall on one side of us, and the other side, an overgrown mass of shrubbery! I don’t think anything of it, and follow the group, gently baa-ing to myself.
I see one … And then another … And then a few more … Not just tiny little herbivorous spiders!! Proper carnivores I tell ya!! Less than 5cms from MY body parts! It was also a very windy day, and i have long locks, which happen to sway about in the wind, potentially getting caught on hazards in my immediate vicinity! What would happen if my hair touched one of these ‘bloodthirsty, murdering creatures’ and then it jumped on to my hair, and slowly started to devour me! (I do not have a wild imagination AT ALL!)
There wasn’t a spare inch free on the shrubbery from that moment on. Every last spot was covered by a spiders web and an extended family of spiders! It was like they decided to have a party and invite all like-minded, ‘bloodthirsty, murdering creatures’ along! Hence the mass of …. (shiver) … Spiders!!!
I was so traumatised, I couldn’t even eat a whole serving of poffertjies (like a cream eclair but mini)!
They really should put a warming on BizarreTulipUmbrellaLady’s boat trip pamphlet about the hazards of the island! You know, like the warning you get before you go on a theme park ride “if you are pregnant, about to give birth, have back ache, have a tired heart, or … Have a tremendous fear of being eaten alive by a few hundred thousand ‘bloodthirsty, murdering creatures’, then now is the time to ask for a refund!”
I think last night’s visit from said ‘bloodthirsty, murdering creatures’ is payback for turning on one of it’s cousins. A few nights ago, i picked up a pile of washing, only to have one of the cousins run out under the pile! I’m afraid I was so traumatised that I had to dispose of him! Immediately! It was his own fault!!
“Don’t mess with me!!”, I said in between a low level squeal.
I had the last laugh!
Or so I thought until tonights saga!
‘Bloodthirsty, murdering creatures’ —— ONE
TheFrinkleFiles —— ZERO