Boogers Etiquette


This post may reference bodily functions.
You have been warned.
You’re welcome.

Now let me get on it

So there I was, innocently blowing my nose after having sneezed for the 100th time today, when the new dude in the office sneaks up on me to introduce himself.

He’s clearly seen I’m blowing my nose.
Not so much blowing than wiping.
Semantics.

But he’s been hovering behind me for so long that if he doesn’t say “hello” now, he’ll just look like a weird stalker.
Which I wouldn’t mind to be honest. It’s been years since I was last stalked. Many years. Many Many years.
In fact, how old am I? …. ……. ………… Yip — that’s how many years. (You thought I was going to spill my age just like that … without you even buying me a drink first? …. Sneaky Sneaky! Very Sneaky! Sneak!

But I digress.

Anyway.

“Hello” (in a voice that is clearly worried he may give me a heart-attack, coz he’s been hovering forever while I sorted my bodily functions out)

“Oh, hi, hello”

Scrunches grimey … grimy… grimie …. dirty tissue deep into the palm of my hand.

….then realise, that’s the hand I need to put out to shake his outstretched hand ….

….which he’s also realised and quickly, but efficiently withdraws said hand before I infect him with said tissue.

He proceeds to talk work with me, which I’m trying my best to focus on, but am seriously concerned that my tissue didn’t quite get all of it.

We should have automatic playback in our eyes for situations like this.

I have no idea what he asked me to do, but I have a funny feeling I may just have agreed to give a presentation. In front of people. Actual people.

Blast you Boogers!!

 

 

 

To Bolt…Or Not To Bolt


Look away now if you have a sensitive disposition.

No really. I’m not joking.

I’ll give you a minute to decide if you are sensitive or not.

……..

……..

Okay. Ready?

Waiting on a platform for my train, I became aware of a conversation going on behind me.

(Yes, i will agree with you – I. Like. To. Eavesdrop.

Hey, if you’re talking loud enough for everyone to hear, then you can’t complain if strangers start joining in your conversation!

Same goes with if you’re whispering! It’s just cruel and makes everyone (me) listen even closer in case you really do have some interesting gossip!)

Anyway, where was I?

Ah yes.

Eavesdropping.

The BMI air hostess (true story) said “I could see it happening love. He was really pale and started to sway. Next thing it was all down you! Oh dear! You have it in your (really really long hair). Oh – and all down your back!”

What had happened was a guy was obviously not feeling well on the train – not sure if it was virus-based or alcohol-based but either way!

He did not have enough time to get off the train.

And started to … (sorry) … Puke/vomit/hurl!

All. Over. The. Lady. In. Front. Of. Him.

How …. MORTIFYING! For him AND her!

In rush-hour traffic! well. What would you do??

Well, being an obvious gentleman – as soon as the train doors opened, he bolted! Up the stairs and out of there!

This poor lady was left standing — on the train — covered in this guys breakfast!

I know right!!!

What would you do????

WHAT WOULD YOU DO????

She casually picked up her belongings, got off the train, went into the station waiting room, and started shaking herself off!

What else can you do right!

I would’ve stayed on the train – hey at least you’re guaranteed a seat –right?

And no smelly armpits rubbing up against you!

Enjoy your breakfast! 🙂

Nightmare…Or What Could I Do?


So, a family member tells me this true story of a night away with the boys recently.

They’d been out for a few drinks – as you do on a boys night out. (I believe).

He got up to pee in the middle of the night. (boys night out remember).

Opened the hotel bedroom door.

And stepped out.

At this point, life still seemed great.

He heard a click.

At this point, life seemed like a nightmare!

The hotel bedroom door closed behind him.

Why didn’t he just go down to reception and ask for a key, you ask?

Well, he sleeps in the nude.

Starkers!

Like the day he was born!

He frantically looked around for something to cover himself up with. (Well they always find something in the movies!)

No fire hydrant to cover up.

No picture on the wall.

No curtains on any window.

No rug to wrap himself in.

No store cupboard to hide his … Shame ….

Mr. Bean would’ve been proud!

So what does he do?

Well, it’s obvious isn’t it?

He starts knocking on all the bedroom doors he thinks his friends are sleeping in.

Except none of the doors are the right doors.

Not. One. Of. Them.

He does however, find a room with an open door.

Filled with strangers. (Clearly the occupants don’t read the little sticker on the back of the door instructing you ‘to keep your door locked at all times to avoid strange, naked men walking in at all hours of the night.’

He goes in anyway. (I know right!! But what would you do?? What would YOU do??)

He grabs a towel.

While the guests sleep. (You’re thinking the same thing I am right? How many had they had to drink?!)

He wraps himself up in a ‘toga-towel’ and casually strolled to reception to get a key for his room.

The CCTV footage must be great.

Someone could sure bribe him with that.

Offers being accepted 😉

 

Enjoy Your Trip…See You Next Fall


So, Tripping! Now isn’t that a fun topic!

I love giggling at people who trip! But only because I know somewhere out there, someone giggles and guffaws everytime I trip.

Which is often.

Sometimes my own fault.
Like when you trip over nothing. And still look back as if the biggest rock just happened to pop out of the pavement at the exact time u were walking there.
And then.
It disappears.
Intent on making you look like more of a fool.

Sometimes, it’s not my fault!
Let me explain.

A few years ago, my brother, my srendy and I were walking along the road, laughing, and having our normal banter.
I slapped my brother on the arm for something or other…Don’t give me that look…I can guarantee you he deserved it!

So anyway. Where was I!
Aah yes. So I slapped my brother.

And then did the completely natural thing!
I ran! (Have you seen the size of my brother?)

But lo and behold, he was not going to let me off that easy.

He stretched out his leg.

As I took my first step of the run.

It’s amazing how a potential run can quickly go downhill!

I’n this case – flat on my face!

Apparently – I flew.
Up.
And then just dropped.

And my dear brother and darling srendy you ask? Well, they did what any loving and caring, kind and compassionate person would do.
They burst out laughing while pointing at me. Followed by giggling and a whole lot of guffawing!!

Ah well. At least these types of embarrassing moments help you to figure which of your friends and family will be included in the distribution of the lottery should I ever win it!!

image