Please Sir, May I Have That Seat…Or…It’s Mine!! It’s Mine!! It’s all mine!!


So, I love watching people.

I especially love watching people getting on the train.

For those of you who perhaps don’t use trains often, you need to get on one, sit back and be entertained!

One family member … Of course I won’t say who …

No! I’m not telling!

No! Stop asking – you’re just being annoying now!

No!

Now where was I?

Ah – right – family member. This Family Member usually enters a train by falling into it! I’m serious! It’s true! I CANNOT make these things up!
Good thing they close the doors on the other side! (now THAT would be funny – in one side and out the other!)

But anyway, where was I? Again??

Ah yes – Trains.

So, people have their favourite seats. Fair enough. I could admit that I do too but that is not the point of this story, and of course I would never admit to it anyway!

But when Mr Regular Traveller gets on the train and someone else, someone new, someone completely unknowingly (Let’s call him Mr Newbie) sits in Mr Regular Traveller’s seat Well … I like to sit back and watch the silent drama unfold.

The poor little Mr Newbie doesn’t even know what’s hit him when out of the side of his sightline, there is Mr Regular Traveller throwing daggers at poor little Mr Newbie.

Not real daggers. Daggers with his eyes. You know what I mean. Don’t make me explain!

Problem is Mr Newbie is oblivious so it just looks like Mr Regular Traveller is grumpy and hates everyone.

You KNOW what I’m talking about! EVERYONE has done it!!

Then there are those passengers that wait on the platform, at EXACTLY the right place for the door in order to get on the train first and get “their” seat!

Little do they know that Mr Newbie is standing at the next door with his eye on the same seat, totally oblivious to the fact that Mr Regular Traveller is already revving his engines, beating his feet into the ground to get a headstart through the door.

Well. The drama that unfolds would make TV Drama History.

Well, it could.

Probably.

Maybe.

Okay. It won’t – but it certainly is entertaining to watch!

The train pulls in.
The doors slide open.
The passengers get off the train.
Slowly.
Mr Regular Traveller checks the availability of “his” seat.
Mr Regular Traveller checks the passengers around him.
He puts one foot on the train while other are filing off (obviously he already has an advantage)
And waits.
And waits.
And waits.
“COME ON PEOPLE! I have a seat to get!”
And waits.
And then. It’s all clear!
He launches himself on the train.
Elbows his way through the crowds (one person) and stampedes his way to his chair.
He’s looking left.
He’s looking right.
He’s still ahead of everyone.
He gets to “his” seat.
Wipes the sweat from his brow.
Looks up.
And sees a pair of feet in front of “his” seat!

Mr Newbie has beaten him!

Who does this person think they are!
Mr Regular Traveller glares at Mr Newbie. Rolls his eyes. Even tuts (although I think that may be in his head and totally inaudible).

Mr Newbie is oblivious. Merely settling into his seat and reading the gossip for the day.

Mr Regular Traveller is devastated “I’ll get you tomorrow.”

Problem is. Tomorrow Mr Newbie becomes Mr Regular Traveller.

Now if you’ll excuse me. I need to retrieve MY seat from someone elses posterior – or at the very least make sure thy are watching while I roll my eyes at them!

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Wrong Turn … Or Where The Hell Am I?



That moment when you realise you’re on the wrong train.

Going in the wrong direction.

Far. Far. Far. Away. From. Where. You. Need. To. Be.

Don’t laugh! I know you’ve all been there at some point in your life.

Maybe not always on a train.
(Perhaps it was in the car. I’m the first to admit I’ve done that. On numerous occasions! Even with the SatNav!)
Okay, so I wasn’t that far wrong on the train. It was only out of my way by 30minutes.

But when you’re at the wrong end of where you want to be, it really doesn’t matter if you’re five minutes wrong or five hours wrong.

You’re still wrong!

And my book is finished.
I may actually be forced to speak to someone on the train! Shock. Horror.

It reminds me of the time when …..

……..

Dammit … I’ve missed my stop again ….

Earlobes …. And Other Useless Information


Earlobes.

Funny things them.

They’re in average 2cm. They are!

I’ll wait while you get the tape measure. You obviously want to check my facts.

.
.
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A ruler will do.
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.
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Welcome back.

So – 2cms – told you so ….

A few facts … ie: useless information facts.

Did you know?

Ears elongate with age.

I know, right!

MEN’s earlobes increase by approximately 0.22mm PER YEAR from age 30!

Luckily no research has scientifically proven that WOman’s lobes increase (or maybe I just didn’t feel like looking hard enough!)

Did you know that your earlobe line up with your nipples?

Did you know that the width does not increase! (Dumbo’s legacy is safe with him!)

Did you know earlobe growth peaks once every seven years! It’s true! It’s called a circaseptennial rhythm!

I know, right!

You’re welcome!

Middle Seat Syndrome…Or Get Out And Walk


 

So, I travel a fair bit more than most for work.

I’m not bragging. I just do.

And I’m one of those people that will get to the airport MORE two hours before a short haul flight and MORE than three hours before a long haul.

I don’t know why. I just prefer it.

I will also be sitting at my computer waiting for the check-in time to open 24 hours before my flight.

Trust me. When they say it opens 24 hours before flight departure, they mean it. Not even one second before!

And I check-in early for one reason only.

To. Get. A. Window. Seat.

I am actually one of those people who will continuously look out the window during the flight. What’s the point of sitting at the window if you aren’t going to look out of it.

Right?

Yes, even on overnight flights. Doesn’t even matter that I can’t see anything in the big, dark abyss outside.

So anyway, my latest flight – I was running late (totally unusual for me) to get on the train to get to work so I could put my computer on and check-in, and I got to check-in online 5 minutes after check-in opened. (yes – that was far too many “check-ins” in one sentence – thanks for pointing it out – GrammarPolice!)

How bad can 5-minutes after check-in opens be, right?

Not that bad?

Wrong!

It was bad!

It was very, very bad!

There were only middle seats available.

Middle. Seats!!

Who are these people that are sitting at their computer’s at exactly check-in time, picking their seats!!

I hate middle seats.

Middle seats are made for children under the age of 5.

Middle Seat Problem Number 1:
You (or maybe just me) always ends up sitting in between two business-men who insist on reading the Financial Times double-spreads.

They don’t care that their newspaper takes over part of my seat.

Middle Seat Problem Number 2:
If you thought you were going to get a chance to actually put your elbows on either one of the two armrests, you had best think again!

They don’t care that they are stealing your armrest (yes I said MINE)

It’s like the people on the window seat and the aisle seat think that your arm is actually the arm rest and will continue to put their arm on YOUR arm – yes – not even on the armrest – until you get so fed up that you huff and fold your arms. They then shimmer with a winner’s glow and plonk their arm down on your armrest!

Which would be fine on any short-haul 40minute flight. When you have a 12-hour flight – crossed arms leads to crazy arms.

You know what I’m talking about, right? Crazy arms – they get pins and needles, you lose feeling in them due to lack of blood flow. And when you eventually do get up to escape the madness of the armrest-stealing-paper-reading-seat-thieving people next to you, and try to use your arms, you end up smacking one of them in the face because you have no control of your arms anymore!

I cannot tell a lie – I enjoy that part.

Obviously I survived the flight. Even though I had to curl up into the foetal position to avoid the armrest-stealing-paper-reading-seat-thieving people. I knew I would have the chance to try get a window seat on the flight back.

I made sure I was at a computer, ready to choose my esteemed window seat at exactly 24hours before my return flight.

I managed to get myself a window seat.

You’re pleased for me. I can tell!

I could finally get my own back on the armrest-stealing-paper-reading-seat-thieving people.

I boarded the flight.

Belted myself in.

………

And fell asleep immediately.

I didn’t even see the take-off!

That’ll teach them!