Boogers Etiquette


This post may reference bodily functions.
You have been warned.
You’re welcome.

Now let me get on it

So there I was, innocently blowing my nose after having sneezed for the 100th time today, when the new dude in the office sneaks up on me to introduce himself.

He’s clearly seen I’m blowing my nose.
Not so much blowing than wiping.
Semantics.

But he’s been hovering behind me for so long that if he doesn’t say “hello” now, he’ll just look like a weird stalker.
Which I wouldn’t mind to be honest. It’s been years since I was last stalked. Many years. Many Many years.
In fact, how old am I? …. ……. ………… Yip — that’s how many years. (You thought I was going to spill my age just like that … without you even buying me a drink first? …. Sneaky Sneaky! Very Sneaky! Sneak!

But I digress.

Anyway.

“Hello” (in a voice that is clearly worried he may give me a heart-attack, coz he’s been hovering forever while I sorted my bodily functions out)

“Oh, hi, hello”

Scrunches grimey … grimy… grimie …. dirty tissue deep into the palm of my hand.

….then realise, that’s the hand I need to put out to shake his outstretched hand ….

….which he’s also realised and quickly, but efficiently withdraws said hand before I infect him with said tissue.

He proceeds to talk work with me, which I’m trying my best to focus on, but am seriously concerned that my tissue didn’t quite get all of it.

We should have automatic playback in our eyes for situations like this.

I have no idea what he asked me to do, but I have a funny feeling I may just have agreed to give a presentation. In front of people. Actual people.

Blast you Boogers!!

 

 

 

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Imagine All The People … Or Not


Have your eyes ever stuck closed?

Of course it’s a serious question!

Not because they’re dirty or anything!

And no. Not because you’re sleeping (wise-ass).

But genuinely stuck together.

No? Well. Lucky. You!

It’s traumatic!

You see – the story goes like this.

I was sitting at my desk the other day, casually going about my business.

No – it did not involve catching 40 winks at my desk! Just let me finish the story!

My colleague walked past and we had one of those “fleeting-talk-quick-while-you-walk-but-get-the-whole-conversation-out-in-a-split-second” conversations.

You know what I’m talking about — right?

Well, we did that and I turned to follow the “fleeting-talk-quick-while-you-walk-but-get-the-whole-conversation-out-in-a-split-second conversation”, finished it (I am brilliant!) and turned back to my desk to continue working.

But. A stretch and yawn threatened to overpower me right then and there.

Instead of fighting the yawn and stretch – I decided to embrace it. With everything I had.

So I lifted up my arms.

stretched them out.

Opened my mouth.

Covered it. (I do have manners you know).

Let out a (little) yawn.

And BOOM!

My eyes were stuck!

What. The. Hell!

I know…right!

So of course. What did I do.

Calmly dropped my hands and rubbed my eyes gently?

Don’t be ridiculous!

I did the Drama Queen reaction! (Of course)

That’s right!

Oscar award winning performance!

I grabbed at my eyes.

Screaming “I’m blind! I’m blind!”

Everyone came running to see what on earth was going on, and to see if I was indeed blind and what had caused it!

I, in the meantime, was still clawing at my eyes.

Mascara all over my face.

Tears streaming down my face at the thought of now being blind!

Beautiful right ….. well ….. no!

When all of a sudden.

They opened!

I took a deep breath.

I looked around me.

No one was there.

No one!

I then realised all of two seconds had passed since the “fleeting-talk-quick-while-you-walk-but-get-the-whole-conversation-out-in-a-split-second” conversation had finished.

But. I. Was. Traumatised!

I really do need to get a grip on my imagination!

Googly….Or Zzzzzz


So, you know those days when you’re exhausted! You know the ones i mean! You’ve had a late night of socialising, a hectic week at work, a computer game that went on too long.

You’re with me right!

And then you’re at work the next day. And it just so happens that you have a meeting.
A. Really. Looong. Meeting!

And it seems to be going fine.

At first.

And then you feel you’re eyes closing!

They’re getting heavy.

And Heavier.

And even heavier.

Oi!! Wake up!! No sleeping on my time!!

Now, where was i?

Ah yes, so you’re eyes are closing!

Now if you’re clever like me, and forward thinking, you always take a bottle of water or coffee into the meeting with you, so that should you feel your eyes getting heavier, you can simply shake your head, thus dispersing of the heavy eyelids, gulp down some water (but not too fast…we don’t want to be having a gagging/coughing fit simply to stay awake), and, hey presto!! You’re wide awake again!

Well actually, in reality, you have what i affectionately term “googly eyes”!

You’ve convinced yourself that nobody will notice because actually your eyes are not THAT closed even though they feel like they have dead weights on them!

What you don’t realise is that one eyelid is open two millimetres, while the other is open about ten millimetres!

Don’t ask me why they always go to sleep at different speeds!! What do i look like, an eye doctor??

The best you can do is to excuse yourself, while having a (fake) coughing fit, dash off to the loo, and have a quick power-nap, while trying to come up with a valid excuse as to why you were gone for 15 minutes!

What’s better? Making up some random “i got locked in the toilet” excuse, or looking like an idiot with googly eyes on front of your peers?

Tough choice!